Another little update!!

Hello!! I’m not sure if anyone is still looking at this? But I thought I would do an update! It’s been a good 7 weeks since my treatment finished, I’m not sure where the time goes!! I’m doing well, my mouth has nearly almost healed, I still have a few problems at the back of my mouth which need to be sorted by the removal of my wisdom teeth!! Unfortunately I can’t have this done until February, but after that my mouth should be totally better, I cannot wait!! Otherwise I’m doing well, I’m still quite tired, but it is getting better. I’ve been enjoying lots of time recuperating and resting, spending lots of time at home in Thirsk. I have been back to Liverpool a bit and have thoroughly enjoyed catching up with friends! My friends have been such a great support the last few months, I’m very grateful to you guys!! and of course its been great to spend time with Kev properly again, he’s wonderful!!
Life after cancer is hard, I have felt a little left on my own at times. You go from being constantly fussed over and looked after by nurses and doctors to being left to fend for yourself at home which can be quite daunting. When I was having my treatment it was something to focus on and I felt like I was doing something positive to help, but now I just have to sit and wait and see what happens which is hard. I want to be doing something, but there is nothing I can do!
The teenage cancer trust have been fantastic and I’m so glad I found them. There workers have kept in touch checking up on me and I went for dinner with them and lots of other young people affected by cancer. It was great to meet up with other people who understand what I’ve been going through and to catch up with some of the guys I was in hospital with!!
Thanks again for everyone reading this and everyone who has supported me!
Much love xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Getting there slowly but surely

Hello everyone! Sorry, it’s been a while since I last blogged! Not much has been going on to be honest, I’ve just been at home relaxing and getting better. My Mouth is slowly getting better and less sore. Just practicing eating again now. Its funny how your tongue forgets how to work properly when you don’t use it for a while! But, I’ll enjoy re-training it I’m sure! Still got to be careful about the types of things I eat, got to still be pretty bland, but it’s getting better bit by bit! It has been very frustrating not being able to eat well, but I’ll be making up for it in no time!
Otherwise I’m doing well. I’m very tired most of the time, not sleeping very well, despite the sleeping tablets, but hopefully that will get better as I start to recover. I’m just in pain and generally a bit too uncomfortable to sleep through the night. Not to mention needing to wee at least 5 times a night!?! (I’m not even sure what that’s about!) Hopefully it’ll all start to feel better soon and I’ll be able to come off the pain killers as well, which I’m sure are making me sleepy during the day too.
Back to see my consultant on Wednesday for a check up. Nothing major, he just wants to make sure I’m doing ok and healing as well as I should be.
Not much else to report, I’m just chilling in Thirsk, not really doing anything so not really got anything to tell. Missing Liverpool and all my friends so much, can’t wait to be back with you guys joining in on all the fun!
It is a strange feeling now that all the treatment is over. I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. It's been such a short, but intense experience it's hard to get your head around. Think I'm still trying to process everything at the moment, I definitely still have my moments of remembering what I've been through and just being like 'I can't believe that happened?!?'
Will try and keep this updated more, but for now take it as no news is good news!!
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Treatment totally finished!!!

3 Months ago it felt like this day would never come, but here I am, treatment finished!! After completing my radiotherapy my consultant decided that I’ve been through enough and the last cycle of chemo would probably just make me worse. After seeing me and knowing I’d been in hospital for a while due to my sore mouth he said that the benefits of that last chemo weren’t worth making me feel worse. I’m really really happy that it’s all over, I was willing to do anything to fight this, but as long as they’re happy I definitely feel like I’ve done enough! I’m not sure my mouth and skin can take anymore.
It’s also so nice to be out of hospital! Spending a few days at Kev’s to spend time with him (he took the week off work!) and to be closer to clatterbridge just in case i need anything, then I’m going up to Thirsk to get looked after by my mummy and daddy for a while! Not sure how long, but will probably be there quite a bit on and off over the next couple of months, not planning on going back to work for a while really, it will take a long time to get back to normal. But I’m really glad that all I have to focus on is just resting and getting better now. Have various appointments to see various consultants over the next few weeks and months to make sure everything is healing well and that there are no signs that the cancer has stuck around!
I do feel like things are starting to heal now, everything seems to get better every day. I can’t wait till I’m eating normally again, but for now the pain is pretty well controlled so it’s just a case of waiting! I recovered so fast after my operation, I plan on doing the same with this!! I’ve spent the last 2 months constantly watching cookery shows so I have plenty of ideas up my sleeve for when I’m better (not to mention having a boyfriend who is a very impressive chef (he’s currently making me yummy, but necessarily plain, chicken soup) who has many ideas for things to make me when I’m better, I’m very lucky!)
It does feel a little surreal to be finished, I was so focused on the treatment that I didn’t really think about it coming to an end. It kind of came as a shock. When you’re having the treatment you at least feel so proactive, like you’re doing something good to help what’s happening, but now it’s sort of just ‘wait and see’ which is a little frustrating, but I’ll keep focused on the little things and am gonna soon throw myself into some fundraising and some work to help promote the importance of being aware of cancer!!
Will still keep everyone updated on how I’m getting along and what the docs have to say etc. I’m so grateful for everyone who has been following this an sending their wishes and prayers etc! I feel very blessed! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Radiotherapy.....DONE!!!

So, my radiotherapy is all finished!! Had my last session yesterday morning. I’m so made up to be finished, it’s great feeling that they aren’t going to do anything more to my poor mouth and skin. The doc says it will get worse for a few days before it starts to feel better as it heals, but even psychologically I already feel better just knowing it’s over. Looking at my mouth is horrible, literally every bit is covered in blisters but at least I can only feel about 1 third of my tongue! Although the new thigh flap bit of my tongue is blistered and swollen as well I have no feeling in it, so it could feel a lot worse!! I am in a lot of pain and everyday they are increasing the amount of morphine I’m on to try and get the right balance so hopefully we’ll get that sorted soon and the pain will just start to die down too.
I’m still exhausted and that will last quite a while, but hopefully as I start to feel better I will be able to sleep more. Think I will be out on Monday, depends on how I feel though. Back in next week for my last chemo then fingers crossed that nothing goes wrong it will be bye bye to Clatterbridge! They took some blood yesterday and were about worried about some of it, like my red blood cell count was quite low so they will take some more on Wednesday and decide then if I’m up for the last chemo or not!
The last six weeks have gone much faster than I thought they would and it has been hard, but they kind of prepare you for the absolute worst so I was expecting worse. I’m so pleased I’ve managed to keep eating enough and getting my nutritional drinks down me that I haven’t had to have a feeding tube! I warned them I was stubborn enough to do it and I’ve even managed to put on 2 kilos!! haha, nothing stops me!
It’s been such a bizarre few months and I can’t believe it’s nearly at an end. I’m so excited now at the thought of getting my life back to normal, there is so many little things I’ve missed. It’s going to take a long time to get totally well again, I’m going to feel quite tired for a good few months, but I’ll get there and it will have been so worth the whole thing!!

I can see the finish line!!

So, I’m still in hospital, generally getting looked after by the lovely nursing staff. I’m doing ok, just feeling very tired and worn out and very sore. Only got 4 days left of radiotherapy now, and I can not wait to finish!! They’re doing everything they can to make me feel more comfy, increasing my pain relief and trying to get rid of various infections and blisters that crop up in my mouth. I’ve not been sleeping very well at all so the doc has given me something to totally knock me out tonight so I can get at least one good night’s sleep. Everyone is amazed at how persistent and stubborn I can be and that I am still eating on my own. I really don’t want to be fed through a tube again so I am pressing on and managing my pureed meals and energy drinks and fingers crossed it won’t be too long until I’m enjoying my food again.
Saw my consultant yesterday, she’s very pleased with my progress. After this week I have an appointment to see my main doctor in about 4 weeks time and I’m seeing my surgeon again at the beginning of december for check ups to se how I’m doing once my treatment has finished. It will then just be a case of keeping my eye on things and seeing my doctors a lot and hopefully that will be it! It will obviously be a while before I know everything is ok, but I’m definitely taking steps in the right direction.
Not sure how long I’m going to be in hospital, until I feel well enough to go home I guess. I will be going back to my parents for a while after being here, I’m not up to looking after myself yet! The hospital are happy to have me, although apparently if I’m still here in 3 months time I might be pushing my luck a bit!!!
It is hard, very hard, but the end is so near now and I am so excited to get my life back again!!
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Back in again!

I’m back in hospital! Just been feeling a bit rough the last few days, a bit flemmy so just in to check it’s nothing serious and get a bit of rest etc. It’s not so bad and it is nice knowing that there are people around to look after me. Didn’t sleep well at all last night, was struggling to breath so I do feel a bit safer here.
Been feeling pretty emotional the last few days, think it’s mostly just tiredness. It is getting harder to keep going, but I am doing and the end is definitely in sight.
It was 20 years ago yesterday that my Nana passed away after fighting cancer. I don’t remember much of her as I was so young, but I feel closer to her now more than ever and I really hope she’d be proud of me now and it makes me even more determined to beat this for both of us.
I have honestly never realised how good food is until all this, ha! It just makes it so much harder not being able to eat properly. It’s such a huge comfort so it does make it much more difficult. I can’t wait till my mouth is better and I can eat whatever I want again!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Escaped!

Greetings. Thought I would write another little up date on how I’m getting on. Out of hospital for now (having taken the entire contents of the pharmacy with me!) on the condition that I will be straight back down there if I feel unwell or am having problems with my eating and drinking. It is still really painful, but hopefully with all the painkillers and mouth care I’m on it should be ok. Just under two weeks of radiotherapy left now and probably one more cycle of chemo near the end of October for good luck!
It is hard, not being able to eat much is frustrating and even when I do it doesn’t taste of much. More of my hair is definitely coming out now so will just have to see how that goes and my skin is getting quite red and itchy. It’s hard not feeling particularly pretty, but I know it’s all just temporary. I just can’t wait to get a nice dress on and some make up and hit the town again! This whole thing has put everything into perspective and made me realise what’s really important in life, but I do miss the little things too. It has made me realise that I used to complain about the stupidest things and used to think things were so hard when they really weren’t, not compared to this. It’s also definitely made me appreciate certain people in my life, some people have shone through as amazing friends and been so supportive (and some have been surprisingly rubbish, but I wont name names, haha!) I can’t wait to through a massive party when I’m better to celebrate and to thank everyone who’s been there for me! I’ll be back on that dancefloor before you know it!! xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Blogging from my hospital bed!!

Hello again! Have bee in hospital all week and only just got back up on line!! Had a really rough weekend last weekend, and felt pretty bad by the time I got back to the hospital in Monday, not really eating or sleeping at all so they decided to admit me to get me on some more pain relief and to make sure I was eating. Got bad mucositis (which sounds as gross as it is!!) which is basically just loads of ulcers and infection in my mouth! It’s much better now and has cleared up quite lot so that’s good. I also swelled up so much it was ridiculous, my lips and face were huge! So they’ve started me on a course of steroids to ring that down a bit.
It’s been pretty good having a week in actually, it’s just so much easier not having to travel and having help there whenever I need it. And just little things like they have nice mushy unseasoned food for me to eat that I don’t have to make!! There’s also been a couple of other young people on the ward this week too so it’s not been too dull!
Had more chemo this week, that went really well. I only had to be on the drip for an hour this time (as opposed to 16 hours on the old one) and I haven’t really felt sick at all. I have to be much more careful on this one as I’m much more likely to catch an infection over the next few weeks, but even if I do at least I know I can hack time spent in here!!
The teenage and young adult ward here really is so nice, it’s makes a huge difference!!
Only 2 weeks left of treatment now! Be back at home from Monday I think then nearly finished!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ouch!

Hello! I’m doing ok, but starting to get quite sore now. My mouth is full of ulcers and blisters and my throat is very sore! Also I’m starting to sound like someone who has smoked 40 cigarettes a day for 40 years!! It’s hard and I’m struggling to eat now and not sleeping too well, it’s also hard to talk and my face is getting quite swollen, but it’s all in a good cause! They’ve given me lots of painkillers and mouth washes and all sorts of things to cope with the pain which is good. Plus I’m half way through now so the end is definitely in sight. It’s so nice having the weekends off, I’ve never appreciated it so much before. I’m at home this weekend, getting some much needed tlc from my mum and dad. Back to Liverpool on Monday! Gonna be a tough week this week, double dose of radiotherapy on Tuesday which totally wipes you out then my second cycle of chemo on Wednesday so I’m probably going to feel incredibly tired by the end of it. My doctor has decided to change the type of chemotherapy drug that I am on to one called Carboplatin. The first one that I was on has slightly damaged my hearing (I don’t really understand how!?) which isn’t a big problem now and should get better but if I continue on it it could do more permanent damage. The new drug is very similar to the old one just won’t damage my ears!
I’m looking forward to the end of treatment so so badly now. I just can’t wait till I’m back to normal and can enjoy eating and going out with my friends again! Me and Kev have a holiday booked for next summer which is definitely keeping me going, I think about it every time I’m strapped down to the radiotherapy machine!!
Trying to keep my spirits up, even though I know this will all get harder over the next few weeks, but anything to be cancer free right!?!
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Still plodding on

Hi again everyone.
At the end of my second week of treatment now. Everything has been going ok, but I have to say that I am exhausted! I never knew you could have this little energy and still actually be alive! But I’m getting there, just not really doing anything other than going to the hospital and having lots of naps! My mouth has started to get very dry and sore, but I’m managing ok so far. Just sipping lots of water and not eating anything too dry. The doctors have given me lots of creams and rinses for my mouth so hopefully it won’t get too bad.
Everyone at the hospital have been so nice. I think it’s because I’m so much younger than most of the other patients there, but I’m now pretty well remembered by most of the staff!! It does make the whole experience better going to a hospital where the staff are so nice and the facilities are so good.
I met a young guy this week at the hospital who also has cancer. It was nice to meet someone else my age going through something similar and who is also up for laughing about things!
It’s been so nice having the weekend off, only problem is I don’t want to go back for more treatment tomorrow. It’s hard knowing that the treatment is going to make me feel more ill and sore than I do already. Part of me wants to turn round and just say that I’m not doing it anymore. In theory I could, it’s up to me to put myself through this, but obviously I’m going to keep going, I’m not completely stupid.
Just focusing on getting through the next 4 weeks, not had time to think much about what happens after that, just taking every day as it comes!! Still feeling pretty positive and I’m really glad that I’ve managed to stay that way throughout. I’m glad I’m old enough to have some perspective on things and make too much of a drama over this, but young enough to give it a good fight. I’m not saying it’s been easy because it really hasn’t, but I hope I always look back on this and remember the good things, like how strong I’ve learnt I am and how supportive all my family and friends have been. It has really made me appreciate how good my life is and how lucky I truly am!!

The lessers of two evils.......

Chemoradiation and my un-straightened hair!

Hello everyone!
Started my treatment this week, had my night in hospital on wednesday night to have my chemotherapy. Everything went well with that, didn’t feel too sick and haven’t since so I’m pleased about that. Have felt a bit sick, but the anti-sickness drugs are really good and keep it controlled really well. I also learnt that the type of chemotherapy drug I’m on (Cisplatin, if that means anything to anyone) shouldn’t make all my hair fall out. It can make it more brittle and a bit thinner but as long as I take good care of it it should stay in ok condition. So that’s a bonus!
The radiotherapy has been fine so far, will be a couple of weeks before I get any side effects from that. Otherwise I’m just very very tired, lots of rest and early nights for me!
Just trying to stay positive still, fingers crossed I’ll get over the next few weeks over with and my test results will be clear and I’ll be well on my way to recovering. Everyone’s been really positive about my prognosis so far so there’s no reason I can’t beat this!!
I know the next few weeks will be tough, but it’s what I have to do to get over this cancer, so bring it on I say!!!!

So glad to be 23!

Hola! Went back to Clatterbridge yesterday to have my planning meeting. They fitted my mask and put me in a simulator machine so they can see exactly where they are going to aim the treatment. Was pretty simple and just gave me an idea of what the radiotherapy will be like. I start next Tuesday for 6 weeks, with my first round of chemo on the wedesday. I also met the team at the hospital who look after patients aged 16-24. They were so lovely and having that extra support is really nice. The ward where I’ll stay is also really nice, much better that the rest of the hospital. I’ll get my own room, with a bed in for my mum to stay!! and there’s a lounge with a tv and playstation and Wii that i can use whenever I’m in the hospital even when I’m not staying overnight. The team has a nurse, psychologist and social worker to help with various things and it’ll also be a good way to meet other young people with cancer who are going through the same thing as me.They organise all sorts of trips and things so it should be good. It’s at least given me something to look forward to, as I’m not particularly looking forward to the treatment starting!! It’s going to be a really hard couple of months, but it’s for the best in the long run and after this it will be done and over with and I’ll be better again in no time!! Got christmas to look forward to, not to mention mine and Kev’s holiday we’re planning for next year! (I might wait till all my hair has fallen out before I go to the travel agent to get an even better sympathy inspired deal!!)
Being in Thirsk getting looking after by my mum has been lovely, but I’m looking forward to getting back to Liverpool for a bit and seeing my friends!

I'm still here!!

Apologies for not writing for a while. Been concentrating on getting better! Went to Clatterbridge yesterday (that’s the oncology hospital where I’ll be having my treatment) to have my mould fitted. Basically they cover the top half of you in plaster of paris and use the mould to create a perspex shape of your head and neck that they will put over you during treatment to keep your head in the exact same position every time they point the x rays at you. Will be back next week for a planning meeting to go through the details of all the treatment so I’ll know more then I hope.
Had my hair cut quite short today! Not too short, but had a fair bit off. I read that having it short helps as the chemo can make it more brittle and so it’s less likely to break off if it’s short. And if it does all fall out it will be less dramatic if it’s shorter! I’m not too worried about it, I know I’ll cry my eyes out if it does all fall out, but I’ll get used to it and it will grow back!
I’m more worried about the radiotherapy, it can make you mouth very sore and blistered so it will be difficult to eat and drink and to speak, but it will only last a couple of months and I have to keep reminding myself of that. I’m doing so well now and I just have to remember that I’ll get back to this in time, in fact I’ll be even better!
Had a lovely day today with friends coming to visit and fish and chips for tea! Also, the two stitches left in the front of my lip have come out so i’m very happy about that (it’s the little things these days!)
Will try and keep this updated more, but there’s not too much going on at the moment!! Thanks for your continued support!!

On to the next step

Hello again. I’m doing well, feeling almost back to normal. Went to the hospital yesterday and had the staples taken out of my leg, there were 50 of them! It is one massive scar, but I love it, ha. News from the hospital was good, they got all of the tumour in the operation which is the most important part. The cancer had spread to two of the lymph nodes they removed, but was still contained within them (I’m sure there are people out there who understand this far better than e but I’ve been told that’s a good sign as it won’t have spread anywhere else. Met with the radiographer (described by infamously tackless surgeon as ‘being rather brash’ so you can imagine what he was like!) he has recommended that I have post-operative chemoradiation, which is six weeks of radiotherapy with three sessions of chemo mixed in. It was hard to hear this from the doctors and I got quite upset as they listed off all the possible side effects like they have to! But I am willing and ready to do whatever it takes to make sure this thing never comes back! The chemo won’t be too harsh as it’s not as often as it can be and you can’t predict how each person will react so I’ll have to wait and see. The radiotherapy will also be hard as it will be targeted on my mouth so my speech and eating is likely to get worse again. But I just keep telling myself that it will only be 6 weeks and then things will turn around again. If I can get through such a major operation so well I’m sure I can face this too. And again, age is on my side and being young often makes you more resilient to these things. It was because I’m so young and can cope with it and need it gone for a long time that he wants me to have the chemo on top!
Going to the oncology hospital next week to have my mask fitted (you have to wear a perspex max to protect the rest of your head from the x-rays) and to see their dentist to make sure my teeth look ok. Then back the following week for a planning meeting where from what I gather they just practice what they’re going to do to you! Then I’ll be back in liverpool full time for the treatment the following week I think.
So, in the mean time I’m going to enjoy the next few weeks of feeling a bit better before the treatment starts. Kev will be at the b&b over the bank holiday weekend so we will make the most of spending time together!

Thanks so much to everyone for all the kind messages and cards. It is so appreciated xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Getting better

Hello again! Feeling much better today, not so feverish! Antibiotics have started to kick in, still leaking a bit from my wound (sexy!) but hopefully that will stop soon. It’s like someone had popped my head with a pin, all this stuffs come out and the swelling in my neck has gone right down! My neck looks almost normal, just waiting for my left cheek to catch up!

Going back to Liverpool tomorrow to see my surgeon for a check up and to get the stitches (and by this i mean the big metal staples!!) taken out of my leg. Think it will be a week tomorrow when I find out the pathology results from my op and we decide what treatment to take next. I’m trying not to think about it too much and just concentrate on getting better from the op. I’m a bit worried, but whatever needs to be done I’ll do it and face it head on, there’s nothing I can’t do to get better from all this. You have to fight, because there really isn’t another choice.

Missing my friends very much, can’t wait to catch up with every again. I’m going to have a huge party when I’m better to celebrate!

Not much else to report, apart from trips to the doctors I’ve not been doing much, just watching a lot of come dine with me!!

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A bit of a blip!

Not feeling so great today, woke up feeling very ill in the night with a very stiff neck. Went to the hospital where they gave me some antibiotics for an infection so hopefully it’s just a minor setback and I’ll feel better soon.

My eating is improving everyday which is encouraging, and I’m managing to eat more. Not that I recommend it but this whole thing is a good way to loose a stone and a half in a month!! got some little drinks to have everyday that are full of calories and protein and every vitamin and mineral ever which is good to help my recovery! My mums also been making fruit smoothies! Eating is quite fun because I’m not eating a lot the things I do eat can be really full of naughty things like cheese and cream and lots of calories!! yum! My speech really is so much better than I was expecting. Kev rang me earlier and could completely understand everything I said which I think is amazing just 10 days after having 2/3 of my tongue removed and replaced with my leg!

I’m not really in much pain, it’s just uncomfortable and tight, but gets better every day. I don’t think I’ll be confident enough to go out in public until the swelling goes down a bit. I don’t mind people seeing me look like this, it’s not as if it’s my fault. But i don’t like the thought of not being able to explain to people what’s happened and why I look like this. When the swelling in my cheek goes down more I will venture outside, ha.

I'm Home!!!!

Hello bloggers! So, I’m home!! They decided yesterday that I’m doing well enough that there isn’t much more they can do for my in the hospital so I came out today. It’s so nice to be back at home, getting some home made mushed up food from my mum. It did feel a bit overwhelming leaving the hospital wen you’re so used to being there, but having been her a couple of hours and it’s already so nice.

Had all my stitches taken out of my face today, they scars are really neat so they will look quite nice I think. Saw the scar on my leg today for the first time, its long and still got lots of metal staples in it, but again it will fade in time and I’ll become very accustomed to it I’m sure. Still feel very tired and stiff, but I’m getting better every day and seeing progress all the time so it is encouraging.

There was a man in the hospital yesterday that the doctors got me to meet who is 32 and just been diagnosed with the same thing as me and about to go through the same procedure. I think it was nice for him to see someone who has been through it and made it out the other side in good time and doing well. I know I would have loved the same thing in that situation so I gave him my email and I hope I can help him and his wife with any questions they might have!

Swapped addresses with Sybil so we’re sure to keep in touch!!

Everyone at the hospital has been really impressed with my recovery, and I do honestly believe it’s to do with my attitude. I have been very positive and determined to beat this, because I have to be. There isn’t really any other choice, I can’t spend time letting it get me down and being negative because it doesn’t do you any good and doesn’t help to get you better. It’s just an obstacle in life that has to be gotten over and has already made me so much stronger. Of course I’ve been scared and upset at times, but I just remind myself that it will (fingers crossed) be over soon and will one day just be a story to tell the grand kids! (Ewwww, did you know nan has a leg for a tongue?!?)

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Hopsital food never tasted so good!

Hello to all again! Having another good day. Everyone is very pleased with my progress. Onto eating some food today, she tried me on a yogurt this morning and I managed to have mashed potato and pureed corn beef for tea so I’m making progress. It is so nice to eat again just to taste some food; which I can!! My taste seems pretty unaffected which I’m really pleased with. My speech is getting better, the therapists are quite confident that once the swelling has gone down I should sound quite normal again. Lucy has brought me some of Joshua’s food in to snack on for now, but I will beat him to being onto proper solids, the race is on!!

It’s funny, I definitely underestimated how huge the operation was. I haven’t seen anyone else have anything as extensive as me done, but because as I’m on average 40 years younger than everyone else I’m healing so much faster. There are things I thought would be worse like me speech and things I didn’t even really consider, like the 7 inch scar on my thigh!!

Still look very swollen on my left side which might take another 2-3 weeks to go down (and I might “always look a bit wonky” according to my surgeon. The man is a genius but not the most tactful, among his other quotes to me have been “we’ll take the skin flap from your thigh because that’s the biggest part of you” and “don’t worry about loosing some weight because you have got weight to loose” it’s a good job for him that he’s saving my life!!) and obviously going to have scars, but I couldn’t care less. Maybe if it was all caused by an accident or something it would seem more unfair, but the scars will just be a reminder of what I’ve been through and how strong I can be. Besides without the scars I’d still have the cancer so they are definitely better than that!! Right now I want the swelling to go because that’s what is keeping me up at night, I just can’t get comfortable!

Hopefully I’m due to come out at the beginning of next week when all my stitches are out and I’m feeling a bit more sturdy. I know I’m starting to feel better now because I’m asking more questions and think about things like actually having a proper shower!

The girls on the ward have been keeping my spirits up and I have to keep an eye on that Sybil when Kev comes to visit, I can see that twinkle in her eye!

I love water!!!

Hi again! Doing better still today. The mornings are always hard when i first get up, but things start to get a bit better when the painkillers kick in and various people have come to check on me and tell me I’m doing well. The surgical team are really pleased with the way everything looks so far. I saw the speech therapists for the first time today, they were very pleased with how I’m speaking so far and said there is no reason they can see yet that my speech won’t be really good in the end. The worst part about this is not eating. That would be a great comfort right now. They feed me through a drip but it makes me feel very sick, started on sips of water today so I can swallow a bit so the therapists want to see me going onto baby food in the next couple of days so i’ve been practicing my swallowing (so far i’ve been a very dribbley mess!!) but when i get that sorted i can start eating to i really want to do that!! Been seeing the physio too, he’s very impressed but I don’t think he’s used to looking after anyone so young!!

It is hard being on a ward of old people who mainly have cancer, but there is one great woman called Sybil, we have a pact on that in a years time we’ll both be fine and fitting fight, so if she can do it at pushing 80 I think I can too!!

I never knew how much I loved water until today, being able to shower and have a drink have been the highlights of my day!!!

much better!

Hi everyone. Doing much better today after an awful night an morning!! got my tracheotomy taken out today so can ever speak a bit now so the nurses won’t let me write things down that I want to ask for anymore. Still dribbling a lot which is lovely, but swallowing getting better. Feel pretty stiff but seen the physio today so got lots of exercises to do!! got all the wires but my feeding pipe out now so am pretty mobile which is nice. Doing so much better than the rest of the ladies here!! but then I’m not going to let it beat me, i’m going to work and hard and get back to normal soon!!

Missing everyone lots, probably up for visitors tomorrow. Hopefully will have showered by then cos right now I am disgusting!! the nurse braided my hair earlier which cheered me up a lot!!

Lots of love to everyone xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm Back!!

Ok, so I’m back to the blog so I can’t be doing too badly for myself. The last few days have been by far the hardest of my life. So much pain and distress, but I feel like I’ve picked up a bit now. Hopefully getting my tracheotomy out tomorrow which I can’t wait for, it’s absolutely awful!!

Operation was a total success, got the whole tumour out which turned out to not be quite as big as they first thought and according to those lucky enough to see my face right now they have done a very good job patching me up!!

The nurses on my ward are lovely, Helen is very nice to me and Eileen is a bit more of a fn of the tough love but I do need that sometimes too. I think I bring down the average age of patients around here to about 75 so you can imagine what its like, can’t wait to be recuperating at home. Sister is coming to see me this afternoon then probably be ready for visitors from tues or wed. It’s absolutely exhausting just having people here!!

Had a bit of a panic yesterday when I asked when the weird feeling plastic bandage would come off my face only to be told that that was actually my own skin!! Still not planning at actually looking in a mirror anytime soon!

Will write more later, for now this has totally used up my energy reserves!! Still remain pretty positive, things can only get better from here! Have a big afternoon ahead of me involving sitting up in a chair so i need to rest for that!!

Thanks so much for everyone’s support, i have some truly amazing friends and family!! Especially appreciate all the time and love from my parents and from Kev!! love to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Getting closer......

So, I’m packed and ready to go. My suitcase is mainly full of an excessive amount of pyjamas, but hopefully I’ve got everything I need. Getting a bit nervous now. My lovely friends took me out for dinner tonight and bought me lots of amazing presents for my hospital stay, I feel very lucky!

Going in tomorrow at 10:30 am, not sure what I’ll be doing for the whole day as they’re not actually operating until Thursday. But thought I would write now in case I don’t get the chance to tomorrow! I know as the time gets nearer I’ll start to feel more anxious, but hopefully I’ve got enough stuff to take my mind off things. Besides, no matter how nervous I get I want this thing removed now more than anything. I want my body back to normal so I can get on with being me and living my life!!

The weirdest thing will not being able to talk for a while. I love talking with my friends and boyfriend, I’ll miss it a lot. My friend’s have bought me a white board to write on and I’ve tried to learn a little bit of sign language! (thanks to Lindsey I now know the sign language for ‘a boat coming into the harbour’?!?!) I’m pretty determined so hopefully it won’t be too long before I can be understood again!!

I’ll keep this short and sweet tonight because I’m pretty tired, but hopefully I won’t be out of action for too long and I’ll be back in touch soon!!

Preparation Preparation Preparation!

So, I’ve been spending the last few days trying to get ready for going into hospital on Wednesday night. I don’t think I really appreciated how much there was to do! Been trying to sort out everything I’ll need for my stay; clothes, pyjamas, books, computer, dvds, toiletries. And there’s the things I have to sort out like work and money and making sure I’ve spoken to and seen as many of my friends as possible.I am worrying a bit that I won’t have time to fit it all in, but I’ll manage to do enough I’m sure.

I’ve been trying not to think about things too much. I’m just focusing on the operation for now, it’s important I use my energy to recover from the operation and get my strength back to fight this as hard as I can. I’m not too worried about the operation, my surgeon seems really good and I feel like I’m in the best possible hands. I know the NHS gets its fair share of bad press, but I’m very confident I’ll get the best care possible. Besides, I have so much support from all my amazing friends and family who will help me get through this I have no doubt!!

I’m not going to spend any time moping about and feeling sorry for myself, because that’s such a waste of time. You only get one life so no matter what it throws at you you need to keep positive and get on with things or you’ll definitely regret it one day!!

Naturally I am scared, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t, but I’m determined not to let it get the better of me. There are some amazing sources of support out there, especially the macmillan cancer support website, hearing other peoples stories of conquering similar situations is a huge encouragement and people have been so kind to me.

Thank you so much for everyone’s support and please keep reading and i’ll try to keep it interesting!! xxxx

I have something to tell you.........

......how many times have I had to say that this week?!?

Ok, so to put it plainly, the reason I’m writing this blog is because I have cancer. It’s not a way for extra attention or sympathy, more a way to keep up to date with people and keep in touch with the world. Also, I hope I can show that while it isn’t going to be easy I can remain positive and still find the good things in life!! (although I’m sure I’ll probably still have my moments of utter despair!)

I’ve been having problems with my tongue for a little while now and after a referral to the hospital and numerous tests they confirmed that it is cancer. I have a fairly large tumour on my tongue which will be removed next week! I’ll write an update on the procedure when i know a little more about it myself! The good news is that the cancer hasn’t really spread any further. There is some chance that it could be spreading to my lymph nodes so they’re getting removed too as a precaution!! Then it will be on to some kind of therapy depending on the results of the tests done after the op.

I guess the strangest and hardest part was just not expecting to have mouth cancer at all, let alone at the age of 23. I don’t think I know anyone else my age who has had cancer and the reaction I get from most people is shock. It goes to show really that you can never predict these things. I read that you’re most likely to get mouth cancer if you are; over 45, male, a heavy smoker, or heavy drinker. Well, I’m none of those things yet here I am!

Anyway, enough for now but please do keep reading and i’ll try and update as much as possible!!

Much love xx